Ramblings of a Christ-Seeker

As usual, I really should be in bed, especially since Sam is still in the Undependable Zone as far as sleep is concerned. That sweet baby boy has been sick, so last night was the first almost full night of sleep we’ve gotten in four nights. But oh, the snuggles have been amazing. That boy is usually on the go so much that he won’t let his mama snuggle and rock him. Maybe, when he’s all better, he’ll remember how wonderful it was to be all wrapped up in his mommy’s arms and will sweetly seek me out for snuggles throughout the day. A mama can dream, can’t she?

I know I said last time that I was going to write about my upcoming trip to Guatemala in my next post, but I’m not. I’m not really sure where this is going, but I’ve been pondering some things lately. I’m disappointed to say that I still have many days where I just want to take the easy road. I read my Bible, listen to inspiring sermons, and read challenging books, and I feel all fired up for 2-3 hours. But the fire in me is so easily doused by life. I’m not tempted to go partying or sleep around or abuse my kids. I’m tempted by the good life…the life that even good church-going Christians say is what we should aim for. I’m tempted to be satisfied with a half-hearted relationship with Christ as I run after the comforts and pleasures of this world.

There was a time when I dreamed of nicer, bigger houses or cars that don’t make weird noises when you turn on the a/c or a wardrobe that doesn’t scream “I’m a mom on a budget who just doesn’t give a care.” Over the last several years, though, my longings for those things have abated. Not that I would mind having a cute new shirt or a bonus room to put all these stinking toys in. But my heart is no longer set on those things. However, my heart still cries out within me, “Take me on a vacation already! Not just a little one-night getaway…a real vacation that involves lots of eating out and absolutely no cleaning. And if there could be a castle and a huge mouse there, that would be even better!”

Mostly these desires just make me sad and frustrated. I’m disappointed that I am not to the point in my life where my delight in Christ is so fulfilling that I don’t even want those other things (and by “those other things” I mean a life of fun and travel). I’ve shared with all of you many times how my desires are just too weak. Why am I not satisfied in Christ? But even as I type this (probably very boring) post, I see where He has changed so many of my desires. (See previous paragraph. House, cars, clothes, yada yada.) Maybe He is doing something in this selfish, sinful heart of mine. My hope is that one day I can say that all of my worldly desires have melted away and that I genuinely, 100% only need or want Jesus.

Are any of you ever disappointed in your lingering love for the world? Do you ever find yourself wondering why you still long for things other than Christ? Have you ever even thought about it? (This is the part where you leave a comment and make me feel better by reassuring me that I am not the only one who wishes someone would give me a barrel of money and that I could use to take my kids on a trip and then go on a girls’ trip and then go away with my husband (insert worldly desire of your own right here).

And before anyone possibly says that it’s not wrong to want to go on a trip every now and then, I would say that maybe for me it is. The Lord has not put us in a financial position where we can do that, and I believe I should find contentment in that. I should be in a place where I could be thankful for the opportunity if it presented itself, but not in one where I sigh with longing when I hear of other people who have what I desire. I should be in a place where Jesus brings me such joy that anything else is just completely unnecessary icing on the cake. (Though that analogy doesn’t really work, because icing is obviously an essential part of the cake. Duh.)

I want to live this verse: Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires. So I’m doing all I can do. I’m asking God to continue to change my desires and to show me what it means to delight myself in Him.

This whole thing is feeling like I'm rambling and being oh so boring and redundant, but I'll go ahead and throw it out there anyway. And maybe, just maybe, I'll write about Guatemala next time. Adios!