The Proper Way to Brush your Teeth, According to Jack

1. Walk through every room in the house on the way to the bathroom.

2. Talk to your sister about anything besides teeth brushing.

3. Walk into the bathroom after your mom reminds you in the sweetest of voices that you're supposed to be brushing your teeth.

4. Climb up on the stool.

5. Look all around for your brightly colored toothbrush, which you eventually discover is right in front of you.

6. Ask your mom where the toothpaste is.

7. After she reminds you that it's usually in the drawer, open the drawer right beside you.

8. Look in the mirror and make up a song about underwear.

9. Search the drawer for the toothpaste, to no avail.

10. Ask your sister where the toothpaste is.

11. Once your sister comes and gets the toothpaste out of the open drawer for you, try for 3 minutes to get the cap off.

12. Wander the house looking for your mom to get the cap off of the toothpaste for you.

13. Try to think up a good reason to tell your mom why it's been ten minutes and you're just now taking the cap off of the toothpaste.

14. Once your mom has taken off the cap, walk slowly back to the bathroom so as not to disturb the tube of toothpaste so that it spontaneously squirts onto the walls, carpet, etc.

15. Climb back onto the stool and put a glob of toothpaste the size of a super bouncy ball on your toothbrush.

16. Make up a song about super bouncy balls.

17. Turn on the water and wet your toothbrush.

18. Do something which leads to bright blue toothpaste getting onto the counter, cabinet doors, mirror, and floor, baffling your mom who will later come to clean it up while smoke billows out of her ears.

19. Brush your teeth, all of them or just a choice few, for 10-12 seconds, stopping to spit out your toothpaste at least 8 times.

20. Rinse your toothbrush in the water for .5 seconds and throw it on the counter.

21. Fill a plastic cup to the rim with water and rinse your mouth 23 times.

22. Pour the remaining water out so fast that it splatters on the mirror.

23. Place the cup on the opposite side of the counter from your toothbrush.

24. Try to think of a reason why there is blue toothpaste in your hair, just in case your mom asks.


  1. I had to read this to Edward because it sounds wayyy too familiar!!! AND...I FINALLY found a kids toothpaste that is not blue!!! Can you believe it? I could handle the blue stuff any longer! Tom's of Maine makes a strawberry flavored one and a mango-orange flavored one and they are both WHITE! :) :) :)

  2. So true, so true. My oldest is 12 and I still haven't figured out how all the toothpaste gets smeared everywhere.


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