Speechless

I realize I've been absent from my ever-inspiring blog for over a week now, but I've just been speechless. I even started a post a few days ago and just couldn't figure out how to say what I needed to say. Basically, last week was one of the worst weeks I have had in a very long time. Between my grandfather's death, a sick little girl, being cooped up in the house for days on end with three bored kids, so much rain I thought we'd float away, and the hard reality of what our future might hold, I've pretty much been in a pit of despair. I realize that sounds a bit melodramatic, but that's really the way I've felt. Tears at every turn, horrible impatience with my kids, uncontrollable irratibility, and the desire to dig a hole and crawl in pretty much sums it up.

Of course, being the mature, faithful believer that I am (please note the sarcasm), I have spent hours poring over Scripture and on my knees in prayer. Oh, wait. That's what I was supposed to do. My actual approach has been more along the lines of cry, pout, pitch a fit, cry some more, and totally ignore God's Word. You'd think I would know better. And I do. But am I the only one who just has those moments when, just like a child, I know what I SHOULD do, but I don't do it just because...well, I don't feel like it? (Please don't tell me I'm the only one.) And, honestly, I'm still not where I need to be. But I haven't cried in two days, so I think I'm headed in the right direction.

I think it all comes down to this. Can I live out this verse?

If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:26

Can I really choose Jesus and whatever He asks me to do if it means not only leaving our parents behind, but making them really sad in the process? If it means taking my children away from the family, friends, and schools that they love? Those are the hardest questions to me. I can give up the material possessions and even the financial security, but can I make a decision that will have very hard consequences for the people I love the most? I just don't know if I can. And, to be quite honest, I've just been a little miffed at God this week for even asking me to.

So this is where I now stand. Saddened by the death of a loved one who most likely is not in the presence of Christ, saddened for my dad and aunt and uncle who are now orphans, saddened at the thought of separating those who are still mourning the loss of parents (on both sides of our family) from the grandchildren they adore, and saddened at the thought of causing great hurt (and worse - resentment) for my children. And, selfishly, I'm angry and depressed at the thought of being isolated on a 36 square mile island with three children, who love to be social, at home all day while I homeschool them. (Disclaimer: I think homeschooling is awesome, just not for me or my kids. Believe me, I want desperately to feel differently about that.)

Okay, I will spare anyone who has been unfortunate to read all of this lovely entry from anymore melancholy rambling. I suppose I am hoping that by dumping all of these depressing thoughts, they will leave my head for good and allow me to move forward with the eternal perspective I had not so very long ago. This week's gotta be better...right??