I Will Wait

Waiting. Is there anything harder? Okay, maybe coming up with meal plans for six people week after week. That's pretty tough. But so is waiting.

Kids are terrible at waiting. It's so frustrating to be a kid because you really aren't "in chawge" (as Lukey says) of anything. You're at the mercy of these tall, busy, short on money and time people who always say something like, "In just a minute" or "Not for two more weeks" or "I don't know when, we'll have to see." And you have no option but to hang your head in disappointment and go back to playing Legos. Or you could bug the stew out of the tall people until they want to pull their hair out.

But I can understand their frustration. To be totally at the mercy of the "powers that be," unable to see things from their perspective or understand what things like an hour, a week, or five months even mean. To you, they all mean the same thing: Forever.

We're really all in the same boat, though, aren't we? Truthfully, we have such little control over the circumstances of our lives. We have such a limited viewpoint on the whys and hows of life. We have no concept of God's timetable and perspective. And so we're forced to wait, not knowing if or when the thing we're waiting on will arrive.

And it drives us crazy. We have to admit that, though we like to convince ourselves we are, we are NOT in control of this thing called life. Our power and perspective are limited. We just sometimes forget that. We bargain. We question. We speculate. We come up with grand plans. But after all of our efforts, we're still waiting and wondering.

From my silly, puny perspective, I've found myself thinking things such as, "Well, if there's no point to all this, I'm ready to get all the nausea and tiredness over with. I'm ready to be done with this spare tire around my midsection and this craving for nothing but salt and bread and meat. I'm ready to get back to my life."

But the Lord has reminded me that I don't know everything. I don't know when He'll be done with this little life that He began in me. I don't know what He's doing in the inner depths of my body and soul that I just can't see from where I stand. Do I believe that He knows each day of this little life or not? Do I believe (as I've always said I do) that this little thing no one can see is life or not? (Whether it's existing here on earth or in eternity.) If I do, then why am I treating it differently than the other four little people that started inside of me?

I was willing to gain weight, feel like puking, endure terrible tiredness, and all the other fun things that come with pregnancy for them. Because they were valuable to me. They became little snuggly babies that I cuddled and loved and nursed. I could see how important they were. They gave something back to me.

So am I not willing to do the same for a little one I will probably never see on this earth? Am I not willing to do the same for someone who won't be able to return my kisses and love? Do I only value things and people based on what I'm going to get from them? Do I only place worth on things or people that seem to me to be worthy?

Maybe I do.

God has been reminding me, well before this long, long summer of unexpected news, that things are not successful or unsuccessful based on my perception. He is one who decides success. He is the one who has the measuring stick to value the worth of people and situations. He is the one who can see all things clearly.

So I am waiting. Waiting on truth to be revealed. Waiting on Him to decide the beginning and the end. Waiting on Him to use all life and all situations for His glory and our good. I am choosing to believe that He has a purpose and a plan. That He gets to decide what's important and what's not. That I don't know everything and He does. Everything! That's what He knows.

His motives are always pure. Always holy. Always good. Mine are not. Mine are often selfish, prideful, immature. So I will wait on Him, trying, by His grace, to live out these things I say I believe.

I remain confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the Lord.

Psalm 27:13-14


  1. I appreciate your open heart. Still praying for you and that little life.

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